Personal Diary: December 5th, year 114

It’s hard to gaze again into space after such a long time of seclusion. The emptiness filled with stars, the space stations, the trail of ships flying by… it all is completely opposite to the silent, empty and repetitive life in the monastery. One looks out, trying to reach new horizon, the other looks inward, trying to appease our own demons.

I guess I failed in that.

After three years of near solitude, I can still feel the blood on my hands. At night, I still wake up drenched in sweat, as flashes of ships exploding still resonate in my mind. And I’m still completely unable to wear again the uniform of the Imperial Navy.

And so, here I am, three years away from everything, ignoring if the Crusade finished or not, and looking out from the window of my rented room into the void outside it, with Amarr right down below me. From my few savings, I was able to gather enough isk to purchase an Imperator class frigate from a second hand owner and fit into it some basic equipment.

I miss some real cannons, like we had in the Wings of Steel, the command ship I handled in the frontlines. And a one many crew seems empty and lifeless compared to the dozens of people working in their posts. But, for now at least, this will have to do.

It’s strange to look into the void of space and not know what to do next. I’ve always had my life set before my by my parents, by my teachers, by my commanding officers… and now, I’m alone. But I know I can’t fight my demons just by standing idly and trying to forget them as I did in the monastery, I have to take some course of action.

Must be something meaningful too. I’ve always loathed the capsuleers: egotistic, parasites, bound only to their whims and their games, separated from the real problems of real people. They lack true meaning to their lives and deaths, and continue to pursue their destructive nature without caring for its consequences. They lack true goals, true commitments.

And yet, here I am, looking through my window and realizing I’m a simple capsuleer like them now. No longer Imperator Commander Sepherim Catillah, reputed member of the Imperial Navy. Just another capsuleer lost among the stars looking for some guidance somewhere.

Let’s see where the road takes me now. First I must try to reach out to some navy contacts I still have, maybe they can offer me some work to get me on my way to some decent ship. And a decent meal too. And, hopefully, a nice girl willing to do something more than talk with a war veteran. Curious, hadn’t thought about all those small pleasures since I had entered the monastery…